Carlos Xuma on How to go from a Needy to a Confident Man

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Carlos XumaCarlos Xuma is a dating coach that I’m a big fan of.

Here’s a lengthy but rock solid article by him describing the social conditioning that men have endured all their life which has left them confused with women and how to break free from it!


Yes - No - Maybe?

by Carlos Xuma

I was talking the other day with a friend, and he was joking about the way boys grow up, drawing dicks on desks, and how they would write the notes to the girls to find out if they liked him or not.

This really got me thinking again about how we’re brought up, and how we learn to treat women.

Think back to when you were a kid. When you had a crush on a girl, what did you do?

Sure, you did what most of the boys did (lacking social skills)… You somehow thought that if you wrote her a note, disclosing your TRUE feelings for her, that she would somehow jump in your lap.

What did you write her? Something like: “Do you like me? Check one: Yes / No

Then you’d slip it into her book bag, or on her desk. Or maybe you’d hand it to her as you ran to your bus.

And what did she do? Well, some girls would just take it and show it to their friends, giggling and laughing, crushing our little child egos. Then, many of the girls would write back.

She’d NEVER check Yes, even if she did like you. Most often, what would she do? She’d write in “MAYBE.” And the pattern began.

Don’t mistake what I’m going to say here as some kind of disguised male anger, but: Guys were setup from that point on to always be subject to the whims of female sexual power and control. They learned that a girl’s approval could make them feel bad or good about themselves. All with a little check mark.

What we didn’t learn was that they couldn’t affect our confidence - unless we LET THEM.

Think about that for a minute. Isn’t this the SAME damn pattern we go through as teenagers, and then adults?

A man is interested in a woman. He starts thinking about her all the time. He wants to know if this is worth pursuing.

So he asks her out, and after the first date, he goes home and thinks about her some more. He wants to know what’s going on. What does she think about him?

Then he wants to lock it down. He gets impatient and calls her up, and he tells her his feelings for her. Then he asks: “Do you like me?

He asks it again with his supplicating and insecure behavior, even if he never actually says the words.

You see, guys think in black-and-white. Yes or no. Like me or not. None of that “Maybe” crap.

Guys don’t want the drama of riding an emotional roller coaster. But girls grow up loving that drama.

And what happens the second he tries to pin her down? To tell him what she thinks of him? She becomes harder to get. She becomes more elusive and distant.

She stops feeling attraction because it’s obvious that he NEEDS her in some way.

You see, a woman KNOWS that sexuality is her POWER.

A man holds the might, but a woman controls the zipper. So he must play the Game.

And since guys are not brought up to understand this game very well, they are unsure of the rules.

Think about what it’s like to learn a new card game. When you first start playing, your eyes glaze over a bit as the person starts to explain the rules. Then you realize that the best way to learn is to just play it. After a while, you get the hang of it and it becomes fun. But at first, when you don’t know what to do and when, it’s stressful. Not very fun at all.

If I were to tell you that I know a card game where the rules seem to change every time you play it, and the only way you can bet is with your heart and emotions, and that you never really get to see any of the cards until you’ve already lost, would you be interested? HELL NO!

Most guys would laugh and hit the Roulette wheel again before they’d chance on that losing proposal.

But that’s the card game of dating and seduction, guys.

The women have all the cards, and you can only figure out which is which by learning to read how she’s holding them. The more you don’t want to see the cards, the more she wants you to look at them. The more you try to peek at the cards, the worse your hand gets. But that’s the game, gentlemen. Like it or not.

But this game is winnable. I do it and see it all the time. The secret to winning this game is that the CARDS DON’T MATTER. It’s how you PLAY them. (The funny part of this card game is that if you play the game right, your cards actually get better and better, until you can be holding five or six aces. Screw it up, and you can actually be holding a fist full of ZEROS.)

Men and women are different. Don’t try to convince yourself otherwise.

I used to say that “men and women are really the same inside.” This was back in my chump days, when I was getting laid by luck, not by design. And then my luck dried up. And so did my sex life.

I even felt wrong every time I said that lame thing about men and women being the same. I KNEW inside that I was wrong. But I WANTED it to be right. That’s where most guys go off the path, and almost never come back. They become addicted to the way they WISH it was instead of the way it REALLY is. Then, every day, they invent every justification imaginable to make it that way.

So when they fail to get the woman they want, they make excuses and claim that women are just too hard to understand. They don’t see that their own egos are getting in the way.

You see, a winner doesn’t complain or cry or whine about the way he “wishes” it was.

Arrogant people are hard to teach because they think they already know it all. It takes a mighty humbling experience for them to put aside their insecurities and let themselves be taught. A winner - an ALPHA Man winner - realizes that pride goes before a fall.

Instead, when faced with a situation and a game he doesn’t understand, the winner goes and LEARNS.

He doesn’t puff up his chest and proclaim that he doesn’t need any help with women. He doesn’t shift the responsibility for his actions to someone or something else. He accepts that if he’s going to learn, he has to put away that sore, hurt little boy, and go back to school for a bit.

Did you know that the majority of people do not read a single book after they get out of school? We’ve lost over 20 million readers of literature in the last 20 years.

I’m not telling you this to increase your social awareness or make you rush out to a bookstore. But the reality is that fewer people than ever are taking the responsibility for educating themselves and improving their lives.

And NOBODY is going to just show up on your doorstep and teach you this stuff. If you’re going to learn, you have to TEACH YOURSELF. And, believe it or not, that’s all you ever did in school. You taught yourself.

So what’s it going to be?

Yes? No? Maybe?

If you want a woman’s interest, you’re going to have to learn a little more about what makes them tick.

Contrary to popular belief, you were not born with all the knowledge necessary to attract women. In fact, 90+% of all guys do NOT know how to really generate authentic female sexual attraction. This is where I decided it was time for me to give you the resources you need to become part of that top 10%. The elite. The men who GET WHAT THEY WANT.

It’s really all about power, and whether or not you are perceived as having any. Personal power. Masculine power. Knowledge power. All kinds of power.

Powerful men don’t have try too hard. They know how to influence a woman by demonstrating their internal strength in certain ways.

They know how to play that card game I mentioned, and not be insecure that they can’t see whether they have Kings… or twos.

Carlos Xuma is a well-known expert in the dating-seduction related field and an author of bestselling titles such as “Secrets of the Alpha Male“, “Approach Women - NOW!“, “Alpha Immersion” and “Alpha Man Communication & Persuasion“.

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