Pick a costume that is flattering for Halloween

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I was wrong when I previously said I was just lucky when I got laid on Halloween.

Figuring out what costumes were the most productive in getting me laid was one of the few things that I did right during my AFC days.

I used to dress up like 80’s TV characters for Halloween. I was a Smurf one year. The next year I was Reverand Run from Run DMC. Then I was Goose from Top Gun. They were fun costumes and I got lots of complements but I never got laid.

The next Halloween my roommate, who was a natural, convinced me to go to a Halloween party with him and not wear a costume. At the party he mocked the guys dressed up like women and with other goofy costumes. These guys were blowing themselves out. They had no chance. My roommate picked the hottest girl at the party who was dressed like a slutty genie, and closed her.

He planted the seed and I took it farther.

The next year I didn’t dress up but I saw two guys dressed up like cowboys and they got a lot of attention from women. A cowboy was a flattering costume at the time. Women take advantage of the opportunity to dress up in flattering costumes that make them look good so why shouldn’t guys take advantage of the opportunity too? Cowboys are sexy to women. The next year I decided I was going to be a cowboy.

Between that time a movie called “Brokeback Mountain” came out and totally destroyed that idea. To this day I’ve yet to see a guy dressed like a cowboy again for Halloween. I was shattered.

I went back to the drawing board. What would be a flattering costume to wear for Halloween that wasn’t a cowboy? Then it hit me: something with a suit and tie!

That year me and a couple friends went out as secret service men and the President. We started out early that Halloween. I was pissing outside a bar when a few girls walked by and I heard one say “I think guys in suits are sexy”. I knew then that I was on to something.

A few hours later I had a slutty girl in a baseball outfit giving me a hand job while I was standing behind her. At the same time she was having a conversation with one of my friends in front of her. That is what I call multitasking! I got the key to my buddy’s bachelor pad and took her from the bar and shagged her.

Wash, rinse and repeat for the next several years. One year we were Crockett and Tubbs from Miami Vice. Another year we were the Wedding Crashers. It didn’t matter; as long as I had a suit and looked good I got laid.

Last year I saw a guy dressed as the robot from Futurama and laughed. That was me only a few years earlier. Would a girl really want to fuck a dude in a gray fuzzy robot costume? What was he thinking? Better yet, what was I thinking back then!

The luxury I had was that I lived in a medium sized college town with no real large corporate businesses. People did not wear suits to bars. If they did it was usually during the summer just after coming from a wedding reception. They seemed odd and out of place. But on Halloween it wasn’t an issue. Now that I live in Milwaukee, seeing guys wearing suits in bars is more common and acceptable. That is why I decided to go with the Elvis costume this year.

Elvis, second only to Liberace, was the king of peacocking. The jumpsuit I wore was bright with red, blue and gold glitter. It fit my body well with the exception that I’m 6′4″ so the pants were a bit short. That is the curse of being tall!

The exception is if you are looking to win a costume contest. Then the rules in this post obviously do not apply. Many times the costumes that will win you a contest are not the ones that will get you laid. You definitely have to pick your route. I wear a different costume to work for our contest than I wear to the bars with my friends.




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  • Bobby Rio
    November 5th, 2007 at 10:22 pm

    I don’t know how you didn’t get laid dressed as a smurf.. hahah thats hilarious… if im still with my girl next year maybe i’ll steal the idea.. if im single fuck no…

  • Mack Tight
    November 6th, 2007 at 12:16 am

    I lived in a party house and everyone of my roommates got laid that night except me. I woke up the next morning having to listen to them brag about their conquests and bitch about my blue paint being all over the fucking house, basement and walls. I spent all day cleaning that shit up.

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